Asking Eric: It bothers when friends ask if I can’t go out because I’m ‘babysitting’ my kids

DEAR ERIC: My wife and I have been married for 11 years and are parents to three kids. We spend a lot of time together, eat dinner every night as a family and try to have one fun event with the kids each weekend. Occasionally, an event with my friends comes up on a date that my wife already has plans with her friends. Whenever I tell my friends I can’t make it, the response is “Oh, you have to babysit” or “Oh, you have to watch the kids.”
I don’t know why the wording bothers me so much and I don’t know what better words to use. I snapped at the main culprit once that “I’m not babysitting, they’re my *bleeping* kids!” I also don’t know what else to say.
Saying that I’m watching my own kids sounds stupid to me. I love spending time with them; it’s a blast!
I think I’m too caught up on the words, but don’t know how to express how I feel to them when they say I’m babysitting. Any ideas?
– My Kids’ Dad
DEAR DAD: It makes sense that the wording bothers you. They are your kids and the way your friends talk about you spending time with them indicates a profound difference in the way they think about parenting.
You’re raising your children, not babysitting them. So, when your friends act like this is just an afterschool gig that keeps you from having fun with the guys, it chafes because it diminishes what you do and how you’re choosing to spend your time. (While also, not so subtly, suggesting that the kids are your wife’s job.)
They may never really get it, which makes me sad for their families. But try telling them “it bothers me when you say I’m babysitting my kids. That’s not how I see it. Spending time with them is really important to me, so sometimes I actively choose to be with them and not you.”
You can also change the way you give excuses for missed plans. Instead of telling them your wife has conflicting plans, you can tell them “we’ve got family plans; I’ll catch you next time.” Or simply, “I’m busy.” Because you are. Busy being a dad.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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