Physical Address
304 North Cardinal St.
Dorchester Center, MA 02124
Physical Address
304 North Cardinal St.
Dorchester Center, MA 02124
Johnson advises a woman whose daughter doesn’t fit in the modern age, and a man in a a sexless marriage who is resorting to escorts
Have a sex or relationship question? Ask Rachel about it using the form below or email [email protected]
I have five daughters: all smart, pretty and, usually, kind. The second-eldest has thrown me for a loop. She seems to have no real passions and is bored by academic work. We are a feminist household, and I have a master’s from Oxford, where I met my husband. He works in a well-paid City job, and I have been a freelance writer and am now moving into teaching.
But this young woman has the hourglass figure and love of domesticity that yesteryear would have prized. She’s in lower sixth, and confused about what to pursue at university – or even if to go at all. As her mother, I want her to be happy and comfortable in life. What should we do? I just wonder if thousands of years of Darwinian selection has resulted in a young woman who loves all that stuff – and has the most lovely figure – waking up in a modern age that no longer values it. What on earth is she supposed to do?
– Mrs Bennet
I rubbed my hands when I read your letter, Mrs Bennet! (Not your real name, obvs). In your longer letter you describe how D2 loves nothing more than bossing her younger siblings about, cooking, laundry, dogs and babies. What I say to that is – lucky her! This is not a problem for her, or for you. If that’s her destiny, she will enjoy domesticity and “caring responsibilities” (inevitable in most women’s lives) much more than some frustrated ambitious young mother who tried to read The Economist over her newborn’s head while breastfeeding. (That was me, I’m afraid – I also taught my babies how to operate a VCR machine before they were potty-trained, so that I could have a few minutes lie-in at weekends. “Can’t you put on a video?” I’d moan at dawn.)
Whisper it, but there can be an atavistic pleasure in pegging out washing, taking a tray of scones out of the Aga, or striding across fields with a muddle of dogs and mini-Boden-clad children, and coming back to a home-made shepherd’s pie. But for many women, not all the time. When I had my small children on Exmoor, during school hols, I loved doing all those things (my husband called me “Farmhouse Mummy”) but I didn’t have the temperament to be a full time SHM (stay-home mother) – and also, we couldn’t afford it. We needed two incomes, and then some. But I have some good news for you.
Don’t worry about your daughter, who sounds like a Jilly Cooper heroine crossed with a scrumptious country wife already. She is perfect as she is and I’d marry her if I could. I predict there will be a long line of suitable, strong-chinned prospects queuing round the block for her hand. But here’s the real bonus, in my book. If your homebody daughter is scenic, fertile and blessed with good taste as well as great genes, she can become Britain’s answer to the “trad wife” megatrend that has swept the United States – young wives in prairie maxi dresses, who breed like rabbits and service their men and bake their own bread and make cheese from curds (just google “Ballerina Farm” for an instant primer). She will make a fortune on social media. Can I be her agent?
My wife opted out of sex 20-odd years ago, telling me to go somewhere else for that. The options seemed to be divorce and the breaking up of the family, together with significant financial cost; “affairs” and the relationship chaos and pain that they entail; or abstinence. I chose to see escorts for sex. My wife was, and is, aware of this choice, but we don’t talk about it much. The escorts I choose to see – some of whom I have known now for more than 10 years – are in their 40s and 50s, some are married, some with children, and, as far as I can tell, choose this work as they enjoy sex and it also offers control over how and when they work, as well as it being financially rewarding.
First, while sex is an essential element, physical affectionate intimacy is also important. Second, giving pleasure, for me, is as important as receiving, and a lack of any evidence of that guarantees no further visits to that escort. My point is this: it’s always presented in advice columns that it is quite acceptable for a wife to give up on sex, and unacceptable for a husband to suggest to a wife that she needs to sort out her lack of interest. There does seem a bit of a double standard there!
The biological drive for sex in men could be compared with the biological drive for a woman wanting a baby. There seems to more compassion and understanding for the latter, and little for the former.
Generally I think that this is quite a common problem for older married men and their wives. Maybe escorts should be applauded for helping to keep some family units intact, which is healthy for society?
– Anon
Crumbs. I am going to hand over to a man of your age and sex drive in a moment, but before I do, two things about your letter. You don’t mention anything about your wife at all apart from her lack of interest in sex. Not her age, her health, her work, her family, her interests. Not even her name (well, I suppose that’s understandable). She is just a faceless symbol of all the wives all over the world who have lost interest in having sex with their husbands. I can feel your anger and frustration rising off the page, and I understand that. I also understand your need to justify your use of escorts because, as you rationalise it, the male biological drive for sex is equal to the female drive to have a baby. The difference there, of course, is that after a certain point women don’t want babies and can’t have them and men do and can (want sex and babies), demonstrably – I always think of Charlie Chaplin for some reason – so Mother Nature for that reason extends their interest in having sex for longer.
When I showed your letter to a chap of a certain age who’s been married more than three decades, this was his response: “It seems to me a completely reasoned and well-made argument. But what a bore to have to go to escorts. I prefer my solution, rationing: to gently persuade my wife to indulge me about once every six weeks, but acknowledge that she may want to scroll through Instagram as a distraction while the unpleasantness is going on.” Ha!
Me, I’m not sure what you are asking for. Absolution for paying for sex? Criticism of your wife? A general curse on womankind? It seems to me that you have found some sort of solution to the common problem of a sexless marriage, which your wife is turning a blind eye to. It may not be the happiest, or cheapest, of solutions. It may not be what you want. But in all long marriages, certain compromises have to be made and maybe you have to accept that it’s not perfect by a long chalk, but perhaps you are both getting what you need.
Read the last column